How to Connect with Parents / Caregivers

In your teen years, it’s natural to want more independence. The main job of your parent/caregiver is to keep you safe and healthy, so they might be reluctant to allow as much independence as you would like. What can you do to make sure you balance having parent/caregiver involvement and personal independence?

Read these tips and consider which approaches to try. Remember: Your relationship with your parent/caregiver is different from any other teen’s relationship with theirs. Only you know what makes sense for your relationship.

If you have not taken the Parent/Caregiver Relationship Quiz yet,  do that first to learn which areas of your relationship are strong and which could be improved!

Note: If you do not feel safe with your parent/caregiver, this listicle is not the right resource for you.  You may need other types of help. If your parent/caregiver harms you or fails to do things that keep you safe and healthy, find a trusted adult to talk with or call or text the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). You can live chat with a counselor on the website.

Mutual Trust

Source: GIPHY

One of the most important things you can do to gain your parent/caregiver’s trust is to be open and honest with them. If you are not comfortable being completely open, the first step is to help them understand why not.

• Do you feel judged?
• Do they have an extreme reaction when you share something sensitive?
• Do they share your private information with others?

Whatever the issue may be, if you are hesitant to share important concerns with your parent/caregiver, explain your reasons and let them know how they can gain your trust.

Another way you can build trust is by respecting their current rules and limits and showing that you can handle increased privileges.

Hear from other young people about building trust by being responsible and getting your parents to trust you after making a mistake. And remember, parents/caregivers make mistakes too, so be willing to forgive when they apologize to you.

Communication

Source: GIPHY

Communication is a skill. Having good communication requires being intentional about what you say and how you say it. It also involves being a good listener! Here are some strategies for having productive conversations with your parent/caregiver. You can use these tips with others too!

• Think of ways you can start the conversation that will encourage more dialogue. Instead of saying, “you just don’t understand,” even if that’s how you feel, you could try saying something that will keep your parent/caregiver involved in the conversation, like “I’d like to talk about the misunderstanding we had this morning.”
•  Try to ask open questions, ones that begin with words like “what,” “how,” or “who.” Avoid asking questions that could have a simple “yes” or “no” answer.
• Practice using “I messages”—beginning what you say with “I”—to focus on your own feelings and experiences.
• Listening (actively) can be more important than talking. Listen to your parent/caregiver’s concerns and repeat what you hear. Avoid interrupting or thinking about what you are going to say next. They may be more likely to do the same for you! Read more about how to be a good listener.
• Pick a time to talk when you are both calm and will have the energy to talk. Learn more about when, where and how to have important conversations with parents.
• When it comes to expressing your thoughts and feelings, be as open as possible. Try to remember that parents and caregivers want to protect you.
• Focus on the issue at hand without bringing up past mistakes or disagreements. Learn more about how to prepare for tough conversations.  

Limits and Expectations

Source: GIPHY

Remind yourself that your parent/caregiver’s limits and expectations are driven by their desire to keep you safe. It’s healthy for them to set boundaries and guide you as you learn to make increasingly important decisions about your life and future.

• If your parent/caregiver’s rules and limits are clear and consistent, it makes following them so much easier. However, if you struggle with understanding or following their limits, have a conversation with them. Let them know you want to be safe and do the right thing and ask about any limits that are not clear or seem to keep you from having opportunities to grow and be independent.
• Parent/caregiver expectations can also include expectations about your academic grades, extracurricular achievements, or what you will choose for your future career. If they focus too much on these things, it can feel like pressure and make you feel stressed. If this is your situation, consider having a conversation with them about your own goals, the efforts you are putting in, what makes you happy and satisfied in life, and the pressure you are feeling. Remind them that grades are just one part of your life. If conversations with your parent/caregiver don’t help, you could reach out to a school counselor, teacher or another trusted adult for support.
• See what other young people have to say about helping parents focus on more than grades. Also, make self-care a part of your daily routine and learn how to talk with parents and other adults about your mental health.

Independence

Source: GIPHY

As you get older, show your parent/caregiver that you deserve increased independence by making responsible decisions. Some things you can do to show you’re ready for more independence and responsibility are:

• Consistently get your schoolwork done on time.
• Complete your household responsibilities without having to be reminded.
• Follow through on other commitments.

If you feel like you currently have too much or not enough independence, talk with them about what you think you need. Read what other young people have to say about pushing boundaries within reason to advocate respectfully for more independence.

Warmth and Emotional Support

Source: GIPHY

Having a safe and supportive environment and feeling appreciated and valued for who you are is key to building a strong relationship with your parent/caregiver. Having emotional support is also key to getting through challenging times.

To get the support you’re looking for, open up and be honest about your feelings and concerns and tell your parent/caregiver what you need. Do you need someone to listen to you? Do you need empathy? Do you need advice or guidance? Sometimes it’s hard to know and express what you need. Get tips from other young people about teaching parents to understand your needs.

Remember to let your parent/caregiver know you love and appreciate them. Show your gratitude by saying “thank you” when they do something special for you.

Involvement

Source: GIPHY

Families thrive when they spend quality time together. With the daily pressure of work, school and extracurricular activities, it can be hard for parents/caregivers and teens to find time to just hang out and have fun.

• Think of some fun things both you and your parent/caregiver enjoy and make a plan to do something together. This could be as simple as cooking a meal, watching a movie together, or doing volunteer work together. Limit distractions and disconnect from your phone and social media.
•  Another way to get your parent/caregiver involved in your life is to teach them about something you’re passionate about that they are unfamiliar with. They might learn something new!
• Also, invite them to attend your school or extracurricular activities like sporting events, theater performances, dance or chorus recitals, art shows, or debate tournaments. Let them know about volunteer opportunities for parents and other caregivers at your school.

Which of these tips will you try?

It may take time and consistent effort for you and your parent/caregiver to establish new behaviors and patterns in your relationship. Remember, you are only responsible for your own behavior. Parents/caregivers are human, and they make mistakes just like anyone. Try to be patient and forgive their mistakes when conflicts come up.

If you struggle to connect with your parent/caregiver or are not comfortable trying these strategies, consider getting additional support from other trusted adults in your life, like older siblings, extended family members, school counselors, teachers, or a mentor. A strong bond with a parent or other trusted adult can help you cope with the challenges of the teen years and successfully achieve your goals!